Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
