I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
