I should be sponsored by Trojan
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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