I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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