Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
