I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
