I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
