someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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