I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
