i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
