OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
