I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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