Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
