hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
