I think my vagina is haunted
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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