nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
