Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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