i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize