he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
