The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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