the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
