A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
True strength comes from lack of pants
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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