saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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