my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
