i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize