why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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