I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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