It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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