I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
