Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
