im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
