happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
