we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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