My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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