I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
