i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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