I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize