i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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