Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My vagina just clenched in fear
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
