my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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