You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
