I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize