I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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