I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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