Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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