He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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