I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
