i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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