someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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