cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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