I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize