$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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