So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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