After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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