Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
