Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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