Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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