wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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