Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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