you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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