I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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