His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
