last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
