just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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