never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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