I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
