well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
