True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Randomize
